Letter to my daddy… ❤️

Dear Daddy Moss,

How I would’ve loved for you to be here during this, one of the biggest milestones in my life. I’m getting married to Edwin.. Partly because of what you said, but also.. Life, love and learning.

I would have loved for you to walk me down the aisle. Making sure that you and the boys look amazing… Loapi misses you so much daddy. He speaks about you like you were just here. I take him to you sometimes… I know you visit him. Thank you.

I’m in such a good space. I know if you were here I would feel like things were handled.. That everything was coming together.. Your siblings didn’t show up to the pre wedding meeting.. That sucked. But we cannot control the actions of others. And what was it you always said, if they don’t know where you are going but they are walking with you, you can decide to change your course.. They’ll be upset that you disrupted their plan and followed your own.

Now mama and I are fraying at the edges, wondering how this is ever going to materialize.. We have each other, and the other family that you and mama had created over the years. I’m grateful for that. She was angry with you at some time during the process, because you aren’t here to witness your only daughter’s marriage (but also, planning and music and stressing on our behalf, and being with her ~she misses you) but this is my letter, not hers.

I’m leaving a space on the right for you when I walk down the aisle next week Saturday. I know you will be with me, with us. All of us. Edwin too. Thank you in advance for making sure that everything is exactly as it would be had you been alive…

Thank you for being the most amazing father a girl could ask for. I never mourned you. Because I’ve never doubted your presence… I miss you now, because I really need you here.

But I’m leaving that space.. You’ll be gently guiding me down that aisle to my husband.

No longer Miss Makodi, becoming Mrs Tlou.

Thank you daddy. For the things I haven’t said, but everything.

Let’s do this thing.

Even people have an October…

It’s always been my favourite month… October. The one month, where the year reaches 10… Just enough, just right.. Enough to reflect on the year passed, but not ended.. And clear enough to see how you want it to end.

So much for 2017… Another 10, numerologicaly.. Beginnings, and abrupt endings, realizations of cycles that have now drawn to a conclusion.. Some by choice. Others by default. Cycles are challenging you see.. Because you don’t know you’re in one until it spits you out. When it starts, you’re just drawn in.. By the oscillating motion.. An inertia of sorts.. Deeper, darker.. More intense, but it’s more like a subconscious thing.. When you go in.. You’re not as clear.

Your language will be the same, your demeanor and understanding of what you’re about.. Same. But the thing with cycles is… Somewhere, the inertia stops.. And usually.. It’s right in the middle of that God forsaken cycle. You wake up.. To how did I get here.. So you replay events, circumstance, situations, contexts.. Emotions… How did I get here? And the hard part is… You have to go through it to get out of it… So, now consciously.. Some acts have to replay… Not to correct or redress.. But to cycle.. You can’t stop the machine before it rinses.. And wrings… And boy will it wring you out.. Lol.

And you cautiously work out the path back to you… Gingerly stepping around those that cannot be undone, embracing others.. Boldly and callously moving through what didn’t kill you the first time around… Right.. But it did burn, and hurt, and graze, and bruise and splinter.. And shatter.. In some places.. You pick up the pieces.. And in others.. You go oh, that’s where that went… But, I don’t need you. So you leave it there like lint in a washing machine.. Lost in the cycle, but not needed anymore.

And in the last little bits, cycling out… You become pulled, stretched.. You wring yourself out thinking, this must be the last curve.. I know it.. This is it…but it isn’t.. It keeps going.. Because your awareness levels are sky high, your intuition is sharpened.. You actually know how to ask for help… And yet still… And then one day, the air smells sweeter… The shift is felt… It hasn’t manifested yet.. However, even your spirit is slightly confused.. Hey… Hello.. Wait.. Then you wait…

So you reach the exit door of this cycle… And you meet someone going out,you banter briefly and they say… I last met you going in…you talk about the same things you did at the door..  They make a passing remark, about how you pretty much had the same conversation the last time.. And you smile, wearily… Thinking, the conversation might sound the same.. But the person…. (there’s a whole other piece just here right) Is quite different. So.. You see, cycles have doorkeepers too…and that’s when you know. 

Here, October comes after the heat, and fast pace of January to March.. Running after the year, thinking we have time.. To April, May and June.. Where you meet your mid year milestones, obstacles, unexpected happenings, disappointment but not surprise.. July, August and September.. Transitioning from a cold spell, that either left you warm and fuzzy or cool and composed.. But mostly…  an impending sense of bloom… 

And then October came… It may not be a series of months… It could be phases of your life, years even.. I’m the October of mine… I’ve planted the seeds.. I’ve nurtured the ground… Breaking ground, is a painful thing, it’s like cutting teeth… It’s uncomfortable to grow, it happens in bursts.. It doesn’t ask you if there are other things that need to move or be moved.. Building roots… Grounding.. Gripping. Entrenching.. You see, no one sees the discomfort of growth.. 

…. And, in October… They bloom.

The deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms 

32 locked and loaded…

Maktub.. It is written and so it shall be. 

I was going to go to sleep, but I’m feeling a bit despondent.  It’s my 32nd birthday tomorrow. I have to be up early, pack up my life and go to work, then after that, catch a flight and a train home.  

Home… To Johannesburg.  That’s a thought.  Quite a pleasant one… I smile.  Deep in my heart, this is what I desire.  And for this reason, I am happy to be going home.  On my 32nd birthday. My life is goin to be there.. For a while at least. 

I think of all the possibilities, a life unexplored… And smile again… I am smiling.. Because somebody out there hears me…and has prepared me for this. For the longest time I’ve feared Jhb.. Not for the place I guess… But who I would become there.  Fear no more, dear soul, you had to be here to get here.  It’s like a slow roast, boiling at first, simmering, burning off the fat… I have felt the fire, my skin almost peeling at the heat….  But then I get removed from the pot, into a pan… And into the oven….  It’s dark and hot but I’m used to the heat… No one can boil me twice. 

The heat is different though… Tempered, and I brown beautifully… This has been 29,30 and 31…and as I glaze… I am again removed and am now resting.  Lol the foodie in me just had to…  

So 32, I’m ready.  There is no calendar going forward, no ticking time bomb, you see I got proverbial at 31. I go into you quietly, pensively…  

Epilogue to 32… 

Dear Galaletsang, 

Well done. You survived, hell you made it to me. I am so proud of you.  You’ve taken such risks to reach this space. So many challenges,so many victories. You are one courageous woman, I can tell you that… The deep end doesn’t scare you.. It’s the shallow water with the sharp rocks you’ve learnt navigate. 

 I think you’ve done all you can for the 31 you lived.  You’ve done your best.. At other times your worst but guess what, I’m the only one who was watching. 

I wish you tenacity going forward, passion beyond pain, wealth in abundance, friendship, love and a GLA (had to put it out there).. I love you more than anything and don’t ever forget that. Go out there, and be the dopest associate, mom, daughter,  sister, wife (yeah I said it) friend and human being you can possibly be. And write that book.  It’s clear that you can.  Again.. I love you. 

Happy birthday dearest. 

Love, your 31 year old 

Gala 

And so it shall be. 

Woosaaah… Or whatever…

Shit  happens. Then you live. That’s pretty much what this is all about. 

So Day 2 of the retreat… I.  Can’t. Wake up.  I am so completely sore from Tai Chi last night.  I wake Naledi up and we both look at each other like why are we even alive right now. 

We don’t make it to breakfast at 7,but we manage to get to Tai Chi at 8…even the ones who made it to breakfast look worse for wear… We get into it, and get warmed up…the session is good, but we’re still stiff. The si- breathe in and huu – breathe out.. Make sense as I think about how people go woosaaah.. A derivative oh breathe in and out to calm yourself down.  More cracks and Einas. Si….. Hu….. Si…. Hu… 

Then we have a  coffee break.. Nalz and I are like yay!!!  Life… Coffee..it’s freaking cold today.. Everyone is friendlier but just cold.  We head into morning meditation… 

It. Is. Tough. AF. To get your tired mind right… So Master Kai gives us a little something something of a motivation and we get right back into the thing. We get into meditation mode and slowly… At some point I think I’m on it…but my body says no.. I almost topple over… And stretch out my legs for balance… Close my eyes again but fail at concentrating enough to do this… I suppose this is where the discipline kicks in. 

So I quietly look around the room, a couple of people’s minds are wandering too, they are fidgety.. Others’ eyes are open and they keep looking at the time.. I guess I’m not alone in my musings…  

10 o clock.. Finally… Those 3 taps on that fish thing.. And it’s like it couldn’t come soon enough… We go and bask in the sun for 10 minutes… Back to last 2,30 min sessions.. Laying down meditation… Everyone eyes each other mischievously… 

So we lie down, Master Kai says if you do fall asleep, please don’t snore… Lol. Funny I was more awake lying on my right than I was while sitting in half lotus… Then 30 mins later some really awesome acoustic Chinese temple music comes on… I think three 10 minute songs played.. Heard every note I tell you. 

At the end ofof the session, we had all napped, meditated and found Zen in between.  Then the Q&A. Master is as human and animated as the rest of us.. Bhudda Bless him. He says he has no answers of his own, just the teachings of Bhudda. 

Then that awesome food again… It really is fantastic.. And then we left heaven for 2 days as Master Kai called it.. And back into the real world.  

It was nothing short of amazing. 

Namaste. 

32 loading… So clear out calendar here I come…

It’s another July, another Solar year has ended in my life and Cancer season is 14 days in. And I’ve been through the mill once again. I decided to leave teaching to take a leap of faith and trust that the universe has better for me than a pay cut, a perverse principal, and overpopulated classrooms.  I left teaching once and it was so liberating.. I left it again.  (case of the ex)

So my hard headed self jumped feet first into the deep, into unemployment land. Then a hook up from a friend got me a seasonal but steady gig.  I give  Motivational talks now and then, and get to spend more time with my son… Although it feels like I’m going to be away from him for a while, so we’re loading up on love. I hate being depressed, uncertain and not in control.

So,I accept that I am alive with certainty, I stopped drinking the Happy pills and I let the source, ancestors and guides take control. Akere I don’t have any, except for my mental state. So I give them the reins.  This is the most peaceful my spirit has been in years.  And issonice. Fear of the unknown can be an addictive thing, but also a constrictive and stifling thing.. So I let go. Of being tied down.

Whether it’s the fear of being alone, starting again, having no money… God, ancestors, guides.. Those entities have my back in ways I can’t possibly imagine. So again I decree that I am ready. To work in a new city, to be found and loved, to enjoy my own space again, to write… Oh such joys… To cook for friends, to open up my house… Yes. I’m ready.  You can let them in now.

Day 1 at the retreat… It’s longish but so was the day…

So we drive up to this place Naledi and I..  I’m a little off kilter.  I’ve had guided meditations before.. And I’ve been hypnotized. So why the imbalance… Because that’s why you’re here.  The voice in my head says.  

I’m about to turn 32..in about 12 days.. So it’s a really great early  birthday present Nalzzy has given me. I wanted to start my new calendar renewed.  29,30 and 31 saw me fall, break and put the pieces back differently. I don’t regret that.  (maybe I’m zen already) 

On arrival, we were a tad late via Nalz was milling about doing who knows what. Enter Sipho, the guy who did our reservations..calls us by name and then promptly signs us up while speaking fluent Mandarin to the monks. Chesa wena.. (he speaks 14 languages including Swahili and is one of the facilitators here) 

We get into the info session with Lee.. (did I mention how huge this temple complex is? It’s a functional monastery that has been in existence since the early 70’s.) 

So Lee is an Afrikaans speaking lady and practicing Buddhist.. She goes on to explain mindfulness and the art of meditation… About how the conscious mind builds its own reality and how we need to unplug from the narrative our minds create.  

Let me repeat that, we need to unplug from the narrative that our minds create. Meaning that you may have a disagreement with someone, and go your separate ways and in the next few days you will replay it like a bad rerun, picking at it, claiming the good or bad, exaggerating or diffusing it in your mind. Stop.  Unplug. You’ve just had a disagreement, in the now.  Thoughts are never in the present.  They are either in the past or the future.. Because you can’t think while you’re doing.  Bikers, race car drivers, people who like living on the edge…  Tattoo addicts are that.. In that moment, you have no time to think while doing .. You are addicted to living in the present. 

This in simple terms, is what a highly meditative state feels like.. Why we go back to the tattoo palour or piercer..ride bikes,.. Become Dj’s.. Mix music..  Or sex.. Or whatever puts the poo in your shampoo. Even surgeon’s get into highly meditative states when in complex operations.  It’s living life on the edge baby!!! 

So intro done.. Master (I’ll remember his name tomorrow) comes in to do our first session, introduced by Lee in the previous session.  Calm,  Monklike.. Easy gait.. Focused.  In the now.  Starts explaining the tools of meditation.. And guides us into the first 40 min session.  Moer… 40 mins.. You have to count you see… On exhale, 1-10.then start again.. I start seeing pink dots and squiggly lines in my eyes.. Oh shit, I must count… Back to one.. But soon enough there’s rhythm..then the thoughts come thick and fast…  Negative ones.. The bitches.. Always first to say, we’re here, but the key.. Is to let them go as they come.  And in the space between that thought and the next… Zen.  Then the good ones come… And you try to hold on to them.. But they also go… .Zen (the narrative) 

We break for lunch after that.  The food is really good (considering  they are strictly vegetarian.. The monks slay the kitchen shem.. You can’t not eat meat and then eat bad food, Eastern cuisine at its best here)

Then we had a 2 hour break, toured the grounds and took selfies with the Bhuddas and the Lions 😆😆😆

The shrine in this temple :'(:'(:'( is hauntingly beautiful.. Oh the intricacy and dedication put into this temple. Mxm… We need some of this energy to get our country right. 

Then back to the schedule… We have a Tea Meditation Ceremony after lunch.. With tea leaves from Taiwan… Guided then meditated on and shared.. In silence.  Invite me over I’ll show you.. It takes tea appreciation to the next level here. From the farmer to the picker to the hand roller, to the packer distributor.. And finally to your tray. Meditate on that… No really. While the tea leaves are unfurling… To release the it’s flavour. Mindfulness is gratitude in thought and in action.  

Then.. The relaxation exercises, Tai Chi and Yoga… Moer moer moer.  Last time I did yoga was in 2009…gym.. 2014…no excuses though.. The rainbow nation in that meditation hall were all cracking and eina’ing with me… The limberness of Teacher Lee though… Made me wanna go back right now to that Yoga studio. 

Quick break, then another meditation session 50mins before supper… It was a bit easier this time, via the cobwebs had been swept.. And it went by quite quickly.. Supper… Iyoooo… Hahahahaha never seen people eat 3rds and 4ths… The food is good… 

So by now we are thoroughly spent,  it’s almost 6 o clock and the program ends at 8:30. Ao Nelson, numb me.. We have a full on Tai Chi session after supper, we’re full via we had rice, and soup, and dim sum and and and… Eish slow motion Kung Fu sani…. With a guided Mandarin recording for our breathing… Si = breathe in…. Huuu =breathe out. (meanwhile I’m thinking of my son’s Chinese cartoons Ni Hao Kailan) 

Tjesses.. Did Lee not make us clap ourselves silly, after Tai Chi.. For the circulation you see… I’ll do this at home in private… It’s not self harm if it’s done right. Then massage.. Self massage via circulation also.. Then last meditation… Yeeeyi… All I could hear was the clock.. My legs were numb and the cold front has landed in Bronkortspruit.  Then at 20 past eight, master said there’ll be chanting at the shrine in the morning at 6. We are welcome to join the monks… Err.. In this cold.. Master… Maybe I’ll sign up for this next year in the summer months where I don’t mind waking up.  

Day 1…done.. It’s a long read. Tomorrow is a half day, so my reflection will be half long too. 

Namaste.

In the heat of the night…

That sounds so sexual though… Hardly what this post is about. But in truth in the heat of the night.. Is where we get the brightest flashes of inspiration,  the dreams that wake us up and tell us what to do.  The answers that elude us… Me during waking hours. 
Heat, when your brain is at rest, but your mind is working.. What an oxymoron…
I am at my most relaxed, intuitive, inspired and clear.. At these times.. My circadian rhythms messed up by a metropolitan lifestyle.  I swear if we worked to the rhythm of our souls, so much more would get done. 
Burning the midnight oil… Ke something I take immense pleasur in doing.. Sleeping the morning hours away and waking up at 10,bliss… Alas, my cycle does not allow for this kind of productivity. However.. One must note.. Maybe I’m supposed to be living in another part of the world where this is 7:30 am and I am bright and bushy tailed.  Oh well,  another supposition is this – we come into this world to overcome challenges.  The morning is mine.  Nocturnal.

G

When you hear your heart breaking…

It’s not even a feeling the damn thing.  It’s a loud crack and the sound of air rushing in like an uncomfortable dental procedure.  It makes you cringe, tear up and want to retch all at the same time…  It takes a few minutes, and some really really strong tear ducts for it not to reveal itself, because it usually chooses to expose itself in public.  And for those few uncomfortable minutes,  you sit almost screaming at the world and feeling the most alone you’ve ever been in the deepest of silence.
Then the moment passes, with residual fleeting thoughts… Everything, including heartbreak is only a moment in time…  Hanging on to the thing for it not to break is like hanging precariously on a ledge and not letting go, only to find there’s an overhang and a safe path home. 
So in those 7.5 minutes barely able to breathe, you wallow in various stages of grief, anger, self pity, acceptance, denial of acceptance and finally resolution…my heart is broken.   The pieces fall…  And as you put them back together…  While drinking a mega coffee,it doesn’t make any sense. Yet, it functions almost perfectly after its done.  I think the purpose for it breaking, is for us to keep getting stronger glue.  Even Alicia Keys said falling down ain’t falling down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor….  I suppose then,  fortification starts like this. I’m still breathing… It’s stillbeating.. Broken but not bleeding. Time for some super glue.

You will read this…

What I’ve recently learnt about myself is that I’m an instructor…Yes.  I instruct.  It’s something that I was trained to do, and in my previous employment, it was a basic requirement.  The level of being able to deliver an instruction and having follow through,had to be impeccable.  Its something the friends, family and sometimes lovers, could, can and sometimes will not understand about me.  I ask nicely… With a please… Until the please becomes a submission to please me.  I don’t need to be pleased.. I just need follow through.  Do it.  Now.  Please.  So sitting in public transport for the first time in a long time, with 5 men and a boy.. I issued instructions… And with a surprising response, no one questioned.  One, it was for a little boys safety.. Buckle up doesn’t need a please.  Neither does drink abc for your runs.. The thing is,  I need to unlearn this habit contextually… One of my better friends calls it teacher voicing… Where you don’t have a choice but to listen and deliver.  So,  I must learn to temper my instructor.  A boyfriend once called me a bully, trying to mother him and all sorts of things when all he could have just delivered.  What kind of nancy pants are you when you cannot follow a simple instruction and then want to call me a bully.  I don’t do it all the time though…hihihi Nancy pants.  Needless to say he’s out there instructing some woman out there for his own benefit.

Most times… Its a precautionary measure.  A preemptive stance of sorts..  But also the slight control freak that likes things done her way.   So,  Missy,  don’t instruct.. I guess then honing the skill of optioning the thing that is required from you with a less desired outcome is better for the receiver.. Hmm…  But I want what I want.  Please.

So going forward,  after you read this because you will.. Lol, I’ll try and do better.  What teaching has taught me.. Succinctly.

 

G

 

 

Two days to 31..

I pore over  monthly horoscopes like a fiend at the beginning of every month,  I’ve done this since my varsity days.. They’ve applied to me maybe three times in 10 years… So why do I do it.  Why this voyeuristic need to pre empt events by reading the signs the universe and stars people interpret monthly, daily and weekly.. Because I suppose on an intrinsic level.. One wants to be prepared for the unknown. 

The past 2 years have been a leap and a stretch beyond anything I have ever emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically I’ve ever gone through, horoscopes included… (past tense – gone) it was the most trying rite of passage, new mom, old student,  girlfriend, complicated, alpha daughter – alpha mother, losing father, everything and then some phase…  Its hardly over,  and seasons will change.. But just as little children scratch their skins till breaking point because they grow every night and these are proverbial “growing pains”  I approach 31 with the trepidation of hoping my growth spurt will allow me to adjust my settings… My software is still coded.. I will learn how to adult.. To manage my influx of thoughts vs my ability to  put them into action.. To speak in my true voice, not my trained one.. And to be me the only way I know how.

Growing pains… Growth spurts and God downloads…  At the beginning of the end of my calendar years.. There really is no better evidence than sanity,  moderate vices, a decent bunch of vaulted friends, a few new ones..growing ambitions,  and the hope that you have emerged victorious from your first 30 human years. 

Grateful yes, humbled, definitely. Hopeful.. Always.  Okay 31… No expectations, just clear intent and a large glass of wine.  Let’s go.

Ps: the oddest thing just occurred to me,  a woman becomes proverbial at 31. Proverbs 31.

Well… I guess there’s no fear then… Only faith.